Death.....it seems so weird and so morbid, until it strikes close to home. I tried my best to make sure everyone was involved in the welfare of my father, because I felt it was important for people to be educated; and when I say "educated", I mean in a way of how people suffer, the things you do as a child for your parent, and to learn about different diseases and treatments. This past year has been a wild ride with tears at the end.
This past week I've had lots of time to reflect and to go back in time in my head and reminise. There was a lot of pain, and hurt growing up, and sadly a lot of it revolved around my Dad. My Dad and I didn't have a very good relationship growing up. To say that he didn't know how to talk to a daughter would be an understatement. Sports were the only thing that we truly had in common. I started playing softball, and I was good at it, and he always made sure I had the best equipment money could buy. I know he was a walking ball of joy when I was playing ball, he LOVED to brag to people about his daughters accomplishments. But once I got older, we lost that. We had nothing to really talk about. He would tell me I was too young to get married...too young to have children, blah blah blah. But little did he know who would be taking care of him.
4 years ago I was pregnant, and my Dad was acting kinda loopy. He talked like he was on drugs and just overall not doing well. I finally told him that I was going to go with him to his doctors appointments because I felt like he wasn't paying attention and just wasn't giving a crap about his health. And I figured, he may be an asshole to me, but he's still my dad and I still love him. So I took him to the doctors to find out that his O2 was at 75%......off to the ER we go. From that point forward, I NEVER missed a doctors appointment for him. He was in ICU for 2 weeks due to carbon dioxide being hoarded in his body which was making his blood gas levels sky rocket. I think it was at that moment in his life he finally realized that he doesn't need to be an asshole anymore. One day when it was just me and him in that ICU, he apologized to me through tears. I told him that was all I ever wanted to hear. Our relationship forever changed that day.
Flash forward.......June 13, 2013, Dad and I are sitting at his primary doctors office in a room waiting. That day forever changed his life and mine.....it's confirmed, he has cancer. I just remember the wave of fear and sadness that came about me. From that exact day I knew that I was in it for the long haul. My dad didn't have a spouse, or a significant other, so I knew as a daughter I was going to be that +1 for him, and I was. I managed his calendar, his appointments and sat down with him after every doctor appointment to explain what was said and what tests were done so that he had a full understanding about his health.
Every 3 weeks starting july 1, 2013 I was with him for 7 hours while he underwent chemotherapy. It was Dad and Lyndsi time. We sat in recliners next to each other and caught up on the current sports nonsense and the silliness going on with the kiddos. We did this for 9 treatments. We were then told in april that the cancer had become more aggressive and that different actions needed to be taken. But for some reason, it took too long, and that's when I found him in a diabetic coma. His cancer was taking over. And from that point forward he would never be the same.
The last 2 months of his life I never left him, except for a week I left town. That was my Dad, and I was determined to there for him. When he was in convalescent care for rehab, I told him "it's funny how the one person you treated so badly is the one taking care of you now". We both laughed, he grabbed my hand and told me how proud he was of me and how much he appreciates me and appreciates what ive done. Little did I know it would be my last true conversation with him. When I had the meeting with all his doctors and they told me that there was nothing they could do for him except make him comfortable, I lost it. Here im just getting back this great person, we're finally having the father daughter relationship I always longed for, and now he's going to be taken from me. How is this fair?? When I got to his section of the ICU, I saw him laying there helpless with those mittens on his hands and I grabbed his face and he looked at me and I told him I loved him and with everything he could muster up he whispered "I love you too" to me and drifted back to sleep. I cried for hours after that, I saw my dad laying there and I just wanted to pick him up and coddle him and tell him everything was going to be alright, but it wasn't going to be alright. He was going to die, when? we weren't sure. When everything was disconnected and they moved him up to his room, I knew tonight was going to be it, and it pained me to leave. Now I don't believe in God, or Jesus, or whatever. Im not really a spiritual person, but the night my dad passed my dad came to me in a dream. He looked at me with tears in his eyes like he was scared or confused on what to do. I told him it was ok to go. That he didn't need to stick around in misery for us, that we all loved him so very much and that he was free to go. Within 20 minutes I got a phone call from the hospital that he had passed away. After that I felt so good in the fact that my dad came to me and asked me if it was ok to go, and that he felt confident in me and trusted me so much that he literally put his life in my hands.
I loved my dad. I loved him so much that my heart is going to hurt for quite some time. At the same time I know he is in a much better place, and my heart and soul are full because I know that I did everything I possibly could for him as a daughter, that I supported him and was there for him every waking moment. My dad was difficult, but he was mine, and now I don't have him here anymore.
I love you dad, through the good times and the bad. I love you for being there for my children, for coaching joey in basketball and for being at every baseball game and soccer game. I love you for being excited whenever I came over to just visit and to take you to your doctors appointments. May you find your paradise, and have a never ending smile on your face. I hope you are able to watch your grandchildren grow up and that you look over them and give them guidance. I hope I've made you proud. I love you.
Richard Alan Wilder July 5, 1944- June 27, 2014
You are such an incredibly strong woman to have come through this hurricane, not as a total basket case (like I did when my dad passed) but as a woman with the kindest most loving perspective. I love love love you!
ReplyDeleteThanks Megs. I still cry, and im still devastated, but there is nothing I can do. I watched him deteriorate in front of my face, and I know he is in a better place, but my selfishness comes out and wants him to be here. it was just sad that his and mines relationship was finally getting great, and he had to be taken from me. Kind of a bummer.
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