Weight....man is it heavy...

So I was having a conversation with a friend and the subject of weight came up. Ugh! Just the topic makes want to go into deep state of depression.  Weight has ALWAYS been a sore subject for me. It's something I have been struggling with my entire life. I know I'm not the only person who freaks out about their weight and hasn't gone to extreme measures to try to lose it, but I'm gonna be honest in this blog and put myself out there.

I really started noticing my weight being a problem when i was in 5th grade. I was a chubby girl with LOTS of freckles and a ridiculous perm.  I didn't really have an interest in boys, but that's when i started to notice "cliques" and how i wasn't really part of one. I was a tomboy who played sports and would prefer to wear jeans and a hoodie over skirts and form fitting shirts.  Deep down i really wanted to be apart of the "pretty girl" clique, where all the girls were pretty blondes and always wore cute outfits and were constantly surrounded by people who wanted to be them.  And that year was the year i started to obsess about my looks.

I never really got "teased" for my looks or weight until i was in 7th grade. I was already feeling like i was the fat person in school, but then there were 2 boys at my bus stop who would everyday tell me that i belonged in Seaworld's Shamu show.  From that day forward i hated myself. I hated the way i looked. I hated my freckles, I hated that i wore a bigger size then my friends, I hated that my friends were already starting to get boyfriends and there's "fat lyndsi" all by herself.....as usual. From that point forward i made sure i wore baggy sweatshirts, baggy jeans and my hair in a ponytail. I refused to wear any sort of bathing suit out in public (still don't), and i vowed to always remain covered because no one wants to see a fat person in a bathing suit, i mean ewwww gross!!

I have a mother who has always been very positive towards me and is always telling me that I'm beautiful, but as us kids know moms are supposed to say that about their kids. I remember as a kid going to my dads house and my dad making comments to me while i would walk through the living room saying "hey lynds why don't you stand next to the TV and see if your ass is as wide as the screen?" and then laugh. While i would laugh it off as a joke, little did people know what i was doing behind closed doors. That's when I started throwing up.

In my mind I was DETERMINED to be skinny. I didn't care what it took to be skinny. I wanted to be the girl that all the guys in world fantasized about. I wanted to be asked to be on covers of magazines, i wanted to be a supermodel. I used to make jokes when i got older that i should do do crack because it would make me skinny and people would tell me "yeah but then your teeth will fall out and you'll get pits in your face and die". And my retort was "yeah i can always pay to get my teeth fixed and get plastic surgery, and if i die, at least I'll die skinny, so make sure you bury me naked!" Apparently no one thought that was funny.

I did the throwing up bit from about age 12-16. I was hardcore into sports and so i was really busy with that, that i don't really think anyone noticed. I don't even think my primary doctor noticed when i would go in for my yearly physicals.  I would look at  myself in the mirror and just be full on disgusted with what i saw. Even after all those years of throwing up and doing heavy exercising with softball, in my mind i was FAT...F A T FAT!! I still didn't have a boyfriend, much less any guy even look in my general direction. I was the one who had to ask boys to dances. Talk about pathetic. BTW i finally got my first boyfriend at 17, and a year later he left for marine corp boot camp.

After I graduated high school i went to work full time. I was planning my wedding and as usual obsessing about my weight and that i can't be fat for my wedding, because what will people think if a giant cow of a 19 year old walked down the aisle?  That's when i discovered Phentramine. To be honest, that shit was AMAZING! It killed my appetite to where i would at the most eat 1 meal a day, it was a lifesaver! I remember being so excited because i had lost a bunch of weight and was able to fit into my mom's Victoria secret size 8 jeans, but was really sad and upset that my wedding dress was a size 10. I cried for days and days because i felt like i worked so hard to not eat and yet my wedding dress was the size of a whale, talk about a punch to the gut. I wore the dress and went about my wedding day and my life.

Here I am at age 31, had 2 babies and my obsession with my weight rides on.  I've tried every diet known to man, Ive starved myself, worked out for hours and hours so on a so forth. I know that i should except myself for what i am and who i am, but being another "obese American statistic" it's hard.  I see these women on the covers of sports Illustrated swimsuit edition and i want to curl up in a ball and cry. Why can't i be like that? Why can't i for once have a flat stomach? Or an ass you can bounce a quarter off of?? Instead Ive been given jiggles and jelly, stretch marks and acne.  I've even gone so far as to consult doctors about surgery, and guess what?? I don't qualify through my insurance. You know why? Because I'm a "healthy" fat person. Even though my BMI reads me as being "morbidly obese", my blood work tells me that I'm as healthy as an ox. Sucks to be me.

I know that I will forever struggle with this subject, and deep down i don't think I'll ever really be able to come to terms with ME. Some days I'm ok with the way i look, and there are others where i wanna just lock myself in my room and never come out. Maybe one day I'll be able to afford the surgeries i want and maybe then i can be satisfied with what i see in the mirror, but until then i will continue on with my struggles.